“THE EARTH IS FLAT” the placard read. I gulped trying to digest my host’s
meaning. I’d come to the soul food
restaurant to visit with my personal mentor and guru, the great ghetto
philosopher, Cleophus Leroy Jones. As
usual, I’d come to visit Cleo during a time of great confusion. I simply could not get my head around the
platforms being put forth in the Republican primary. The candidates reminded me of an old Superman
comic series on Bizarro
world that was based on the exact opposite of reality on Earth. On Bizarro World, for example, people said
goodbye when they approached and hello when they departed.
I knew Cleo liked to hit me with ambiguity the way arduous
men ply women with booze when the joint is about to close. Unfortunately, that knowledge did little to
steel me against Cleo’s sign. Cleo read
the confusion in my eyes.
“I’m running for president,” he answered my unspoken
question.
“Scuse me? “
“I’m runnin’ for President.
I got my platform all mapped out.
When I’m finished, y’all gone find some space on Mount Rushmore
for me. Check out the rest of my
platform.” He began flashing the
placards of his political platform. The
first sign boasted several cartoon characters wearing bow ties and apparently
screaming, though nothing came out of their mouths. The caption:
THERE WOULDN’T BE NO GLOBAL WARMING IF THE POLITICIANS WOULD JUST SHUT
UP. CLEO REALLY CARES ABOUT ME read a placard with
a stringy haired, pregnant, barefoot woman, balancing a baby on one hip, and
holding the hand of another toddler. JOB
KILLING REGULATIONS IS AGAINST THE WILL OF GOD, read another sign featuring a
man riding a monster truck with a giant straw sucking oil directly out of the
ground. The next two signs had no
images, just words. The first one said,
A VOTE FOR CLEO IS A VOTE FOR FREEDOM AND JESUS AND GUNS. The next one read, YOU
CAN TRUST A MAN NAMED CLEOPHUS JONES.
The next placard featured a figure who closely resembled Boris Badenov,
except for his attire. The character sported
a gigantic sombrero, six shooters, and spurs that reached a third of his
height. That sign read, AMERICA IS FOR
AMERICANS. The last sign showed a young black, male
cartoon character with huge thick lips wearing a massive wide brimmed hat,
sunglasses, a fur coat, gold teeth, gigantic diamond rings on all of his
fingers, dollar bills sticking out between his fingers, and driving a Cadillac the
size of a small ocean liner. The caption
read,” PLEASE DON’T VOTE FOR CLEO. HE’S
GONNA MAKE ME WORK FOR A LIVING. I NEED
YOUR TAX DOLLARS TO STAY ON WELFARE.
I gasped at the last sign.
“How … how.. how could you?!” My
beans and rice flew out of my mouth as I sputtered.
“Calm down, College Boy,” Cleo responded with more than his
usual derision. “It’s all part of my
plan. I’m runnin’ for office on a
platform that’s to the right of Rick
Santorum. It’s more flip flop than
Mitt Romney, more irresponsible than Ron
Paul and slimier than Newt
Gingrich. I’m coming out against all
government regulations and agencies ‘cause government, no, excuse me, gummint is evil. I’ma abolish the EPA-pollution aint nothing but a left wing hoax-
and most of the other government agencies.
Won’t be no health care, no unemployment insurance, no Social Security, Medicare, public education
teaching evolution and fancy
ideas, no government getting on the people’s backs. All my government is gone do is buy guns for
defense. Everything else, you’re on your
own.”
I was too shocked to keep my head from spinning. “Number one, you’re going against everything
you believe in. And number two, that
platform is way too extreme to win a general election. And number three, the kind of folks you’re
going after are hardly going to want an African American president. So, what could you possibly hope to
accomplish?”
“As usual, the subtleties and complexities of my mind
continue to escape you. In the first
place, for my purposes, what I believe in got nothin’ to do with this. I said was going to out flop Mitt
Romney, and out-slime Newt Gingrich.
Number two, I don’t need to win the whole election, just a few key
states that believe in my platform. And
number three, these folks love voting for people like Herman Cain and
Congressman Allen
West who is just to the right of Genghis
Khan.”
“Why do you only need a few states?” I trembled as what his
answer might be.
“Look, places like Mississippi, Texas and South Carolina
will love my platform. Once I win those
states, I’m going to propose that the only way we can get gummint of our backs
is to secede. These folks will go for
it. We can start a campaign to get like
minded people to move to the states I won.
Unlike what happened before,
there really is no reason for the country to fight a civil war to keep these folks. They’ll be glad to let them go. I’ll make Racist Rush
Limbaugh my Communications Minister and Sean
Hannity will be the Vice President.
“So, what happens after you secede?”
“I’ll defect to the old United States for asylum.”
“So, all the people who are against government, knowledge,
the environment, science, separation of church and state and a lot of other
things the union is supposed to represent will be gone. Then you’ll be expecting your place on
Rushmore?”
“You don’t agree?”
“I’ll start digging right away.”